3 BOOZE-FUELED Games to Play in a Pool by Yourself

The fam and I moved into a house with a pool last month and it’s much needed since we now live in the hottest part of the valley. We’ve got a great yard and it’s lots of fun, but by the time I get home from work and am ready for a swim-swim, everybody’s basically asleep. So, I find myself swimming solo a lot of the time, which is totally fine, because I’ve got the whole pool to myself. I don’t need nobody…sniff…sniff.

What to do if you’re the only fool in the pool? As most guys do when they’re bored of sitting down somewhere, you create a game.

I’ve created three pool games you can play all by your lonesome. Cool down with these quick singles matches, all of which will probably be in the next summer Olympics.

1. Beer Laps

Basically, you place a bottle of beer at each end of the pool and swim back and forth and see how quickly you can finish both. Swim swim, chug chug. You can even time yourself on your smart phone if you want to get technical.

  
Added tip:  Make sure you have a nearby cooler or a few extra beers to replace the first two you drink so you don’t have to leave the pool. Also, if you have to pee, just do it. It’s your pool. Who’s gonna know?

2. Marco Solo

This is just like that game Marco Polo, but you just close your eyes and wade around the pool with a beerski talking to yourself, never catching anyone. The real challenge is treading in the deep end while keeping your drink above water. You can use a red Solo cup if you want to live up to the game’s name even more.

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Added tip:  If you think you hear someone walking around the pool, yell “BITCH OUTTA WATER” and scare your neighbors. You’ll never have to worry about them asking to swim in your pee pool again.

3. Happy Bubbles

When you’re all worn out from beer laps and talking to yourself, it’s time for a little re-lax-ation. Happy Bubbles is where you go over to the filter and rest your crotch where the water shoots out and giggle for several minutes. The game is over when the chlorine starts to burn your pee hole (bummer).

Added tip:  Girls, don’t fret. You can still probably play this game, you just need to be flexible and determined. A leg may have to be thrown up on the deck for leverage.

When you’re done with a long day of solo pool activities, it’s time for a long raft nap. Drink holders are encouraged, and make sure you hike up those swim trunks to tan your front hams.

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I hope you’ve enjoyed these summer time must-trys for you very own solo pool experience. Share them with a creep or two and have fun in the sun.

Ryan Budds VS Gene Jannece @ Roast Battle @ The Comedy Store

It was another sweaty, crowd wooting night at The World Famous Comedy store for me and my Chicago pal Gene Jannece who battled in an undercard match last night. It was Gene’s first battle, my third, and we had a good time. I ended up winning, but by just a smidge, and it all came down to a quick joke-off because the audience applause was too close. Overall, I felt my jokes weren’t up to par with the quality of my last two battles, and the crowd might have been a bit tired, with ours being the 5th undercard. They woke up for the main event, which had some solid ass jokes from both comics.

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Listen to our bout in its entirety right here:

I’m taking a tiny break from battling for a new months so I can work up a good opponent in a main card match. Who will it be? Maybe you! Probably not you, but someone just like you.

A Magic Mike XXL Joke for the 3rd Time

With social media, you can never exactly tell how a joke does. Sure, you can get some likes or comments, but sometimes that doesn’t happen. Does that mean the joke sucks? Maybe, maybe not. In most cases, I think posts from so many people on all these different streams just go unnoticed and almost invisible from writers without huge followings.

So, as a third attempt, here’s a joke I originally Tweeted, then Instagrammed, and now blogged.

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I haven’t seen Magic Mike, and probably won’t see Magic Mike XXL, but that tagline is basically telling people to bring a towel for their laps if they see it in theaters. What could they possibly do, have two Ginuwine “Pony” dance scene?!

Here’s me exploiting the same song from the end of a #HotIceCream sketch. Enjoy.

 

As a bonus Easter Egg for anyone that has read this joke three times now, here’s a Billy Ray Cyrus comic from the early 90s that actually came out.

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I Beat Ducktales and Other Weekend Tidbits

I borrowed Ducktales from my pal Jason Bice and beat it in a weekend and felt like a very accomplished 9 year old boy.  

That game on the original NES was a pain in the ass, in a fun way, and I don’t actually remember beating it as a kid. I really hope they keep cranking out the Capcom remasters, there are so many great ones they could revitalize. I hope the rumors of Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers coming next are true!

Friday night, I played poker with a few of my good comedy buddies from LA including Sam Comroe, JC Curias, and James Frey. It was a big three table tournament with like 18 players or so. I did not place, but I did have some of the best chocolate chip cookies I ever had in the kitchen of the poker house.

Saturday during the day we swam at my house but the top layer had some bugs so I went to buy a pool skimmer. The pool store guy tried to upsell my on skimmers, like I was buying a car. I grabbed the first one I saw, a cheap looking choice, and he goes, “What you got, a pool? That’s really more for a small fountain.” Then he told me how I needed this one that extends for only $5 more. I got the one I went in there for, and he looked at me like I was crazy. I’d love if I got home and he was right, like, the skimmer just burst into flames when I go to use it. But that didn’t happen. I got the two bugs out and then thought about how I could have used that hour of my life better over the course of three Coronas.

We saw Jurassic World Sat night, which was a fat 5/10 movie in my book. The wife agreed, but not before lying and saying she really liked it because she thought that I liked it and didn’t want to hurt my feelings because I was excited to see it. I talked to her the whole movie, which is one of my key signs of a bad flick. I’m usually way more focused and silent if it’s good. I also never go to the bathroom unless I feel like I can skip a scene. I did this one time with the movie DRIVE and missed the only exciting part of the whole first hour, where a huge shotgun explodes this girl’s face in a motel room. I came back and everyone was covered in blood and I was so mad. Anyway, JWorld was super cheesy to me, but not in a good campy way, but in an annoying way. Every character/actor except Chris Pratt was lame as hell, and the dinos just don’t rock my socks anymore. I think the amount of scenes where a dino’s head sniffs directly next to people hiding was in double digits, which got old quick. I know it broke a ton of records so that’s cool for the franchise, I just thought it was a little stale.

Sat night real late, I hosted trivia in a Lee’s4Cocktails player’s backyard for his birthday from 11am-2am. It was pretty rad with a bunch of players, a DJ, and a dog named Coconut. Everyone seemed to have a good time, and I got great parenting advice from the birthday boy’s dad when I asked him if it’s easier raising a boy a girl (they had one of each and I have a daughter):

“With a boy, you have to worry about one dick. With a girl, you have to worry about alllllllllllllllllllllllllllll the dicks.”Paul 'Fingers' Patronete, Professional Partier

I may have booked another party or two from that late Sat night, which is great, and how the whole thing is supposed to work! If you’d like to try an at-home trivia party, check out the details on my website here.

Here’s a random snap of my boy Carver helping me in no-way-shape-or-form beat Ducktales.

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Sunday, I beat Ducktales as mentioned above and had a few pals over to watch WWE Money in the Bank. The actual MITB match had a terrible ending with Seamus winning the case for some godawful reason. I can’t imagine Seamus fans even enjoyed any part of that. He looks ridiculousness with his beaded beard and bad mohawk. I was sad. The main even was decent, and Cena/Owens II was fun times city.

Bunch of fun stuff coming up including standup at The Rendezvous this Thursday and the hunt for more trivia nights is ON. If you know a place you’d like to see me at, let me know! Budds out.

My Kohl’s Ad

This is a follow up to my H+M rant yesterday, which you can read all about right here.

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I’m not actually in a Kohl’s ad, but I could be! Old man cardigans and I’m not even 30 yet.

Also, here’s a quick response to the H+M blog from my mom. This is where I get my comedy chops from.

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Ahead of the game.

 

What Happened to All the Men’s Clothing? An H+M Experience

I go shopping for new clothes about every two years. And I buy like a few shirts and a few pants/shorts, and I’m done. I shop at places like Target, JC Penny, and Kohl’s because they are close and simple and I was raised by a mom who likes bargains.

Sidenote:  my mom sends me t-shirts every few months that have the words CALIFORNIA, HOLLYWOOD, VENICE, or SURFING branded somewhere or everywhere. She has never sent me something that did not have one of those words on it. You know, because I live in California. I think she thinks all I do is windsurf with a blob of sunscreen on my nose while wearing an upside down inside out sun bleached ball cap. 

So yeah, I’m a pretty basic shopper. The most I’ve ever paid for jeans is $30. Jeans never got anyone laid, except Lee, CK, and Levi. Those guys got lots of denim-puss and then they tricked everyone else into thinking it would work for them. Then they did it with colognes, too. Bastards.

Anyway, I go to get these clothes at the mall by my new house and I decide to go in H+M. Now, I’m not looking for what’s in or stylish because I don’t even know if people still use those words to describe clothes or if I just heard them on an episode of 90210 I may or may not have caught on the Soap Network at my mom’s house last time I was home, but the shit they call clothing these days isn’t worth its place in a garbage bag at a garage sale.

Have you been to H+M? It’s a hot spot for real creeps. I knew I was in trouble when I walked in and immediately saw this headless mannequin telling me to fuck off:

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A pants’d mannequin still sends a message. “How this bulge, idiot? Welcome to our stupid store. Hope you want to dress like an extra from Weekend at Bernie’s.”

Now for the clothing. I would describe almost every item in this store as some sort of prank, joke, or scandal. Here’s a few things I saw in the MEN’s section:

  • Matching island shorts and shirt combos.
  • Blouses, for fellas, as far as the eye can see. Stuff my grandma wore in the 60s.
  • Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeep V’s. V-neck shirts with V’s so deep, the two sides of the shirt aren’t even connected in the front. Just an open pirate’s robe.
  • Sparkling sweatpants. What in the fuck.
  • Daisy duke cut off denim shorts.
  • NIGHTGOWNS. Straight up nightgown shirts that go down past your knees so you can reenact a Dickens novel at Coachella. These gowns had zippers up the sides too, like a pillow case.

If you are dressing up like the cast of Seinfeld for next Halloween and your buddies are pushing for you to be Kramer, walk into an H+M with your eyes closed and touch three racks. You’ll be set. This is on their homepage right now.

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I ended up buying a red shirt, a blue shirt, and a gray shirt from three other stores that were not the carnival of costumes that H+M was. If you don’t believe me, here’s more real items from their website.

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Oh, sweet. I always wanted to be Bjork’s brother.

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I think Britney Spears wears that last outfit in the “Sometimes” music video back in ’99. And the guy above him looks like a human eagle. All I know is, the older I get, the more I understand why adults were always so pissed off when I was younger. They’ve got no way to connect to any youth if all the youth is dressing like some asshole who fell in a prop closet and came out wearing everything that stuck to him.

I’m going to Kohl’s so some old lady can tell me I’ll look sharp in my new polo. Little does she know…I’ve never even played polo.

SHARE this with someone you know who dresses like a toolbox. Do you know a guy named Braxton? Send it to Braxton.

10 Worst Things You Could Say to a Cop

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Episode Two of Fuse TV’s “10 Worst Things” hit over 100k views on Facebook! Very glad to be a part of it. There’s a sex one coming up that’s going to be all kinds of raunchy, so stay tuned for that.

Take a peak at this one, it’s only a minute of your life. And it’s 100 degrees in LA today, there’s no way you’re outside. That’s comedian Andy Sell cracking me with his billy club. His mustache is impeccable.

Listen in its Entirety! Ryan Budds VS Josh Waldron #RoastBattle at The Comedy Store

Hey friends, working on updating my website to look all new and flashy with Theme X, but until then, here’s the full 15 min Roast Battle between Josh Waldron and I. It was my first time doing 3 rounds, and it was a lot of fun. Special guest judges Jeff Ross, Theo Von, and Jason Reitman!

Here’s the write up of how it all went down on the Roast Battle Tumblr, courtesy of Jay Light.

Wanna roast me? Send me an email! ryan@ryanbudds.com.

FUSE Series “10 Worst Things” featuring Me and Wendi!

Here’s a short sketch Wendi Starling and I were featured in that came out today, featuring 10 things you wouldn’t want to hear on a first date. Note:  I don’t actually have a micopenis.

Stay tuned for more 10 Worst Things videos coming soon from this crew at Fuse! Many thanks to everyone involved who made me look like a creep.

Ryan Budds VS Wendi Starling #RoastBattle at The Comedy Store

Brother in law VS Sister in law! We did it last night at our first ever #RoastBattle at The Comedy Store. So much fun. And the winner was…Wendi!

Listen to our jokes below, and share them with a friend. Who doesn’t want to hear about Sharknado failures and beat up vaginas?

Seriously one of the funnest nights I’ve had in comedy, and I got to shake Dave Chappelle’s hand afterwards. I’ll be back March 31st to roast Gene Jannece, stay tuned!

Read all the coverage of all the battles courtesy of Josh Waldron right over here at the Roast Battle tumbler page.

Wife Had a Baby and We Just Started Having Sex Again

Our baby is three months old so we’re back in the sex saddle. We don’t have an actual sex saddle, but I bet sales in sex saddles went up since 50 Shades of Grey came out in theaters this month.

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The sex we have now is more sporadic; I have to be ready to throw down at any time that’s convenient. I’ll throw down on the floor of the garage, I don’t care. Just have to dust a few spider webs away with a broom that’s also covered in spider webs. And move some rusty gym weights. Good to go.

We don’t even kick the dogs out of bed to do it anymore. No time. They just sit there, judging us. And it’s weird because our dogs are kind of like our kids, too. Can you imagine if your parents did the same thing? You’re five years old, you run in their room in the middle of the night. “Mom, Dad, I had a bad dream. Can I sleep with you guys?” Dad’s like, “Sure, kiddo. But stay down by our feet, I was really about to give it to your mother.”

I can’t help but feeling inadequate during post-baby delivery sex. I can’t back up any dirty talk.

Me:  “Aw yeah, girl, can you handle that?”
Her:  “Uh, is your dick 7lbs, 12 oz? Cuz if it’s less than that, yeah, I can handle it.”

(Keep in mind, even in the midst of dirty talk, I would never be able to ask a woman if she can handle anything, let alone my ween.)

I can’t handle much of anything on my own. Including this breast pump.

We have a basic sleep routine. The wife goes to sleep around ten every night, and I stay up until about 2am scrolling through Facebook’s News Feed trying to find some post that somehow feels satisfying. Cousin with a pro-gun rant? Yes. Someone inviting me to a comedy show in LA using ALL CAPS? Of course. Three Candy Crush invites in the last five minutes of scrolling? Good God. I don’t have a screening process for Facebook, but if you invite me to play Candy Crush one time, I will delete you. And kill your family. But I’ll do it in a fun way, I’ll drop a palate of Tootsie Rolls on them. #CandyCrush

I’m having a hard time admitting I wanted to buy the new Imagine Dragons CD for myself. I’m barely a man, but even I can’t cop to it. I got it for my wife, and I leave it in the car I drive more often, where she can’t enjoy it. I’m like the very very pussed-down version of the guy that buys a motorcycle for him and his wife to both ride, but I secretly leave the house for Route 66 without her every weekend. Imagine Dragons. I still think it’s a dumb band name. But, I can’t help it. I like catchy, radio friendly tunes sometimes. Next CD? Probably Darius Rucker’s newest country album. Is that last sentence a joke? It is not.

We flew to Chicago on Southwest and the baby didn’t make a peep there or back. Literally the best baby I’ve ever seen on a flight, and it was my kid! My friend Ellie McElvain said if your baby doesn’t make any noise on a plane, you should get a free flight voucher. I’m on board.

Now, we’re house hunting. We’re sick of renting and are maybe looking to buy one. I feel like the only house we could afford in LA would have to be haunted. Like, triple homicide minimum. The realtor’s like, “It’s a single-family human home, but you will be sharing the space with the Rodriguez Brothers, who murdered each other in the living room over a Lakers game. They’re like the ghosts in Casper. But not Casper, the mean ones.”

45 Mins of Yes Podcast with Thomas Fraser

My pal Thomas Fraser and I met on the set of a music video for Childish Gambino and Jhene Aiko called Bed Peace. We were called last minute by a mutual friend, we hung out in this nice apartment for 3 hours and had drinks while we pretended to interview the artists, and made a few bucks for a tiny day’s work. Fast forward 18 months and the video has 12 million views and the music actually stops and lets me ask them a question about 1:30 in. Very cool!

Tom and I chatted about this experience and a bunch of other random stuff going on in our lives on his new podcast, 45 Mins of Yes. Give it a listen, and subscribe on iTunes, if that’s your jam.

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Big Fun Show @ The Comedy Store Sat Night!

Saturday night I’m doing a real fun show at The World Famous Comedy Store at 7:30pm in Hollywood! I’m opening for my Sharknado costar Julie McCullough. She’s been on a ton of shows like Growing Pains, The Drew Carey Show, and was even a Playboy Playmate! Come hear her great stories of the south and running one of the biggest carnival’s in the country.

Last year, we did a similar show around this time and Julie’s best friend Tia Carrere was there and told me I was funny! We snapped this pic and parted ways saying, “Party on.”

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Buy tickets using the promo code BUDDS right here:

Only $10 with code, $16 at door. ALMOST SOLD OUT! Here’s the FB event. Hope to see ya.

Good Time Pals in LA Comedy

I never take pictures with people anymore. I mean, I show up in a lot of random pics, but I don’t take the time to take my own anymore. And I didn’t actually take any of these, but they were taken with my phone. But you get it.

From my album recording at Corner Bar in Burbank on 01.25.15.

Scott Luhrs, me, and Kyle Dodson

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Greg Kashmanian, me, and Paul Laier

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Joe Marrese, me, and Matty Chymbor

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Bryan Christopher, me wearing his silly Newsies hat, and Mike McCrae

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If you were not in any of these pictures, it means you were not there that night when we were taking pictures. Good day!

Artistic License Won Some Stuff!

Back when I first moved to LA, I got to be a waiter in a short comedy sketch called Artistic License by my buddy Dan Beals. It was just entered in some Midwest competitions, and it ended up winning Best Ensemble Cast, among other things.

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You can read all about how I got to be in this thing in the first place (with the help of Park and Rec’s Jerry/Larry/Gary/Terry Jim O’Heir) in THIS BLOG.

It’s Time for a Good Ol’ Fashioned #WorkStretch

Photo courtesy of Brigiite Valadez.

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I don’t really have an explanation for why I’m this flexible. Check out those Kmart boxers, though. #joecool

UPDATE (1.27.15.)

Here’s a side stretch one, I look like I’m in pain.

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Jacob the Rock Collector, Colorado School of Mines Comedy

I did the funnest college show I’ve ever done at the Colorado School of Mines on Friday Jan 16th, 2015. Really fun crowd, the school was gorgeous, and the student staff was really hospitable. They took me out for pizza afterwards, and we all had a blast.

During my show, this guy caught my eye in the back wearing full camo and I started talking to him. This is that interaction.

Here’s an explanation of Jacob’s joke at the end!

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You can see future events at CSoM on their twitter feed right here. And you can friend Jacob right here!

Hopefully I’m back there in the next few years.

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